I've been wondering how Bush might go about solving the Global Warming problem, if he ever acknowledged it. How could he go about it without affecting the precious profits of his oil- oozing friends? How far could he stretch logic and common sense without finally tearing the veil from the eyes of the perpetually self-deluded 35%? And finally, what solution could he come up with that would, like most of his endeavors, fail miserably?
My best guess follows below.
Bush Acknowledges Global Warming, Claims Solution
Oct. 16, 2006. President George W. Bush has today issued an Executive Order designed to "quickly and effectively neutralize the threat of global warming."
The Executive Order titled "Solving Global Warming" in effect mandates that commencing June 1, 2007, and for the foreseeable future thereafter, the scales on all thermometers in the United States be raised by two degrees Fahrenheit. This will have the effect of making all temperature measurements two degrees cooler. If and when it becomes necessary, thermometer scales will be restored to their current levels.
"Just as Benjamin Franklin brought us more daylight by proposing Daylight Savings Time, so now do I avert the Global Warmings by introducing what I call "Perfect Climate Temperature," said Bush at a ceremony attended by White House staff and an unnamed official wearing a large thermometer costume. "Scientists say that the earth's temperature has recently increased by 1 degree, but starting next June, the earth will have actually cooled by 1 degree. We have won the global war on global warming."
Under Perfect Climate Temperature, readings will be appended with "CLT," an acronym for "Coolness Liberty Temperature." For example, "My child is running a fever of 98 degrees, CLT."
The order sets aside $10M of emergency funds to promote smooth adoption of the Perfect Climate System. The cornerstones of the campaign are a cartoon-like character named "Thermy" and a catchphrase to help residents remember when to switch measurement paradigms ("Industrial Revolution ahead, Ice Age back").
"Americans need to understand that increased temperatures embolden terrorists and threatens national security," Bush continued. It's well known that when temperatures rise, folks lose their temper more quickly. That creates more terrorists, and make existing terrorists even angrier. Also, if folks feel that they should reduce emissions, then they might drive smaller cars, which'll make it tougher to evacuate in the case of a terrorist attack."
"Congress gave me the power to do this when it authorized the use of force in Afghanistan," Bush stated in response to a reporter's query about the order's constitutionality. "Listen, my job is to do whatever it takes to protect Americans. I am the measurerer. (sic). And I will continue to measure. And leaving our thermometers alone is just what the terrorists would like us to do."
Bush also cited precedent for his order, stating that the temperature scale had at one time been substantially altered by "President Kelvin Coolidge."
When asked whether this change might cause confusion, the president explained, "You have to understand, this increased warming being perpetrated by Mother Nature is unacceptable. Listen, after Katrina, the liberal Democrats complained that I didn't do enough to respond to a natural disaster. So now I'm taking protractive (sic) measures to fix a natural disaster of Carbon Dioxide. But liberals will probably complain about that, too." Bush later added, "You gotta remember that everyone admits that 9/11 changed everything. Nobody says, '9/11 changed everything except thermometers.'"
The president's remarks proved prescient, as Democrats wasted no time in unleashing a barrage of criticism. "I fail to see how changing thermometers addresses global warming whatsoever," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "This is a president who takes pride in placing empty rhetoric before science and logic." But Senator and putative 2008 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton (D-NY) expressed a more muted concern. "I commend the president's decision to tackle global warming. Though I might have preferred to see a change of only 1 degree, instead of 2 degrees."
White House press secretary Tony Snow issued a rebuttal. "This action will mitigate the desert heat that is so debilitating to our brave young men and women in Iraq, who fight in full, unbreathable body armor," said Snow. "Are the Democrats intentionally trying to keep our soldiers uncomfortable? Or are Democrats trying to discourage the use of protective body armor? They can't have it both ways."
Democrats are also likely to voice objection to rumors that Halliburton has already been awarded a $7 billion contract to recalibrate all temperature-measurement devices currently in use by the Federal government.
Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK) was the sole Republican to express reservations. "Our state is cold enough as it is," commented Stevens. "If other states want to cool down, I suggest they funnel their excess heat up here to Alaska through a series of tubes."
A senior White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, provided insights behind the Executive Order. "The president was thrilled that this means that water will freeze at 30 degrees, and boil at 210 degrees, since it's round numbers --- easier for him to remember. The clincher was that this'll force Michael Moore to change the name of his movie to [the less-catchy] 'Fahrenheit 9/09, CLT.'"
The official also noted that this action benefits Americans who lower their thermostat at night in winter, or during the day in summer. "We've saved these citizens the trouble - we've lowered their thermostats at the Federal level."
In closing, President Bush issued a challenge to other nations. "America has now done its part to eliminate Global Warming. It's now up to other countries to follow my lead. As I understand it, most other folks use the Celsius scale, so they'd only have to change their thermometers by ten-ninths of a degree, I'm told. So doing this is even easier for the Europeans."
President Bush appeared elated as the ceremony broke up, and was overheard quipping that he may consider lowering the mile to an even 5,000 feet, to improve automobile gas mileage.